Rethinking Love: Lessons on Relationships from The School of Life
Book Summary (https://www.theschooloflife.com/shop/relationships/)
Last week was my reading week, and I had every intention of using it to catch up on my mid-term essays. But while working in the reading room, a book on the shelf caught my eye, and before I knew it, I was deep into its pages. The book? The School of Life: Relationships.
It completely shifted my perspective on love and relationships. It breaks down modern romantic ideals, exposes their flaws, and offers practical wisdom on building meaningful, long-lasting connections. Since there’s so much to unpack, I’ll share a few key lessons today and save the rest for another time.
So, let’s dive in.
1. The Myth of Romanticism
One of the most eye-opening ideas in the book is its take on post-romanticism. It explains that our modern understanding of love, where we believe in soulmates, trust our instincts blindly, and expect our partners to “just get us” is largely a product of 18th-century Romanticism.
This idea suggests that true love shouldn’t be based on practical compatibility, like shared values, financial goals, or life ambitions. Instead, we’re taught to follow our hearts and trust our feelings. Love should be effortless, all-consuming, and magically fulfilling.
Sounds beautiful, right? Except, real life doesn’t work that way.
The book challenges this notion, arguing that relationships require conscious effort, communication, and compromise. Instead of waiting for our partners to read our minds, we should openly discuss important topics; money, values, and personal growth, acknowledging that neither partner is perfect. The key takeaway? Love isn’t just about feelings; it’s also about work.
2. The Truth About Attraction
Another powerful insight from the book is about object choice, essentially, why we’re drawn to certain people. Romanticism tells us to rely on our instincts when choosing a partner. If it feels right, it must be right. However, the book suggests that our instincts can be misleading.
Psychoanalysis reveals that we often fall for people not because they’re ideal partners, but because they feel familiar. Our childhood experiences shape our understanding of love, so we may be unconsciously drawn to relationships that mirror what we grew up with even if those patterns are unhealthy.
For instance, if someone grew up feeling emotionally neglected, they might be attracted to emotionally distant partners without realizing why. Or, they might reject kind and caring partners because they don’t fit their internalized model of love.
To break free from these unconscious patterns, the book suggests two exercises:
Sentence Completion: Write down the first thing that comes to mind when finishing these sentences:
If my partner told me not to worry, I’d…
If I tell my partner how much I need them, they will…
These responses can reveal hidden beliefs about relationships.
2. Making a List: Jot down traits or behaviors that instinctively put you off in a partner. Then, reflect on whether these reactions are based on real red flags or personal biases shaped by past experiences.
Self-awareness is key to choosing partners who genuinely support our happiness.
3. Healing Through Relationships
Finally, the book highlights how our childhood experiences don’t just shape who we’re attracted to, they also influence how we react in relationships.
Ever had a moment where your partner’s seemingly small action triggered a surprisingly intense reaction in you? It might not be about them at all. Sometimes, our responses come from deep-seated wounds we don’t even realize we carry.
Understanding our own emotional baggage and helping our partners understand theirs can transform a relationship. Healing together not only strengthens the bond but also contributes to personal emotional well-being.
Final Thoughts
Reading The School of Life: Relationships made me reflect on my own perceptions of love. It’s easy to get caught up in romantic ideals, but real love isn’t about finding a perfect person it’s about growing together.
I’ll be sharing more insights from the book soon, but in the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you ever noticed patterns in your relationships that tie back to your past? Let’s discuss in the comments!